Jack Cain
Ten years later ...
At some point, perhaps because my wife was so ill, an idea evolved. My wife and I were living our remaining time together, in pain that came from dealing in the past. Any happiness was crowded out by thoughts of Adam’s suicide. We were living in the past instead of the present. Little by little we learned to replace the past by doing what we called “Living in the NOW”. We learned to appreciate each day and its beauty, instead of allowing the past to consume us. I eventually wrote down these thoughts on the process of NOW and I practice them every day, sometimes a number of times a day.Hello. My name is Jack Cain. Ten years ago, I lost my son to suicide. In the following year, I lost my wife to ovarian cancer and my 34 year-old daughter to congestive heart failure.
My son Adam was 27 years old. He had a very long history of emotional and behavioral problems, and used both drugs and alcohol. He had been hospitalized for depression for months before he died. He seemed to be getting better, but killed himself just two weeks after being released.
One night, after my wife and I had gone to bed, Adam went into the garage, and with the overhead door closed, turned on the car while he was sitting in it. I found his body the next morning. Our family did its best to cope. Unfortunately, this came at a very difficult time because my wife was battling ovarian cancer. I became convinced that some part of Adam’s decision to kill himself was that he knew my wife was going to die, and chose not to be there.
Our immediate response after his suicide was questioning what we might have done differently to prevent this from happening. We did not dwell too long on the subject because we knew in our hearts that we had always done what was best for him. Today, when I look back, I believe that grief is necessary, but guilt and regrets are totally counterproductive 
After my wife died, I was alone in my grief. It came to me in waves; as years went by, the pain decreased a bit, and the waves became further and further apart. I was eventually able to control the grief, so that it came only when it was invited, but this took years to accomplish.
My perspective on life at the moment is very positive. I regard myself as a very lucky person. I now live with my daughter, her husband, and my two grandchildren, and our lives together are marvelous. In the past year, my Significant Other, Anne, and I were fortunate to find each other, filling the voids in each other’s lives. I am heavily into photography of homeless people; I sell their portraits to raise money for Fotokids, an organization that teaches photography to kids who live in a garbage dump in Guatemala.
I could have chosen to dwell on the past and all the misfortune it contained. Instead, I have chosen to move forward in my life and to absorb the possibilities that are in front of me.
You, too, can have this choice. It won’t happen soon after you experience the crushing grief of loss by suicide, but it will happen. Time needs to go by coupled with a positive attitude that it will happen. If you let it.
Jack Cain
February 2008