Samuel Bowen
Twenty years later ...
Hello, my name is Sam Bowen. It has been over twenty years since my son Joshua hanged himself in our basement, but it does not seem that long ago. I loved and still love him a great deal. I discovered his body and tried, but could not revive him. I still remember that vividly. Failing his revival, I called the police.
Joshua suffered from debilitating epileptic seizures for many years. During the weeks before he died, we argued. I was frustrated because he was not taking his epilepsy medicine and was doing poorly in school. Finding him dead was devastating. I became consumed with grief and guilt and like most survivors, struggled just to survive.
Many years have passed since the tragedy of his death. Healing did occur and at some point, my wife Phyllis and I went beyond “just surviving.” Several things helped us during the dark time that followed Joshua’s death. The support from our congregation was invaluable. The transformational courses we took at Landmark Education gave us a new direction. Our work as teachers was very fulfilling. The most helpful thing was talking about our loss and expressing our emotions to caring listeners.
At some point on this journey, I came to realize that life is filled with loss for many people. I decided that I could help others and that there was more of life to be lived for myself and my family. Having three grandchildren and nieces and nephews whose lives we support has done much to fill the emptiness. Phyllis teaches Sunday school and I continue to do research with a commitment to making a contribution in my field. Taking care of my mother until her 95th birthday -- faxing her every day, and sending her articles, drawings and books -- has also filled the emptiness.
I have tried to live my life as a means of honoring the goodness of Joshua’s lost life and to give what he might have given. I don’t think there are many of my current colleagues that know of my loss of a son. The contributions I make are fundamentally on behalf of Joshua, but I make no outward sign of my motivation.
We are close to retiring now. Actually, we should have retired a few years ago, but we like being professors. I will always carry the memory and sadness of our loss, but my life is full. I am looking forward to learning new things, traveling and finding new ways to contribute to others. I hope to see my three grandchildren graduate, marry and live happy lives. I also look forward to making new friends and writing some short stories. I have chosen to live the rest of my life as fully as possible, if only in honor of my brave son who decided not to live the rest of his.
Samuel Bowen
February 2008