Robbie Miller Kaplan on Helping Survivors

In How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, Robbie Miller Kaplan has outlined many good ways to support survivors. Ms. Kaplan is a writer and trainer with expertise in communications.

What to Say and Do

• Do make sure the family's religious leader and congregation are aware of the death. The congregation often has resources in place to provide bereavement support. 
  
• Do participate in all mourning rituals --- attend the wake, funeral, memorial service, or reception.
• Give unconditional support. It is very appropriate to let the bereaved know that no matter what they are feeling, it is OK.
• Do bring meals and help out in all the ways you would for anyone who is mourning the death of a loved one.
• Be patient and understanding, and roll with the myriad emotions that can be very intense and long-lasting.
• Do bring comfort to the bereaved by mentioning the name of the person who has died.
• Do share your special memories of the person who has died.
• Be sensitive in discussing the deceased; they might have ended their own life, but that doesn't take away from their good character and the life they led.
• Encourage the bereaved to release their feelings. Troubles that are locked inside will fester.
• Allow the bereaved to tell their story over and over again. This is an experience that they might not get over, but in time, their feelings will stabilize.
• Listen and say nothing. No one expects you to have the answers.
• Do keep in touch, as suicide grievers can feel especially isolated.
• Include the bereaved in invitations to a dinner out, a concert, or a movie, and include a few close family members or friends.
• Help the bereaved reestablish routines.  If the bereaved is a member of a book club, bridge club, bowling league, etc., offer to pick them up and encourage them to attend. 
• Suggest sharing a walk once or twice a week;  exercise goes a long way to reestablishing routines and physical health.  They might need some coaxing to get out;  you might need to let them know you will stop by on Monday an Wednesday at ten in the morning to pick them up.
• Do remember the bereaved at the anniversary of the suicide and other special holidays and events;  your thoughtfulness will lighten the sadness.